Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates