My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
mmm onion ringos
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.