My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*