At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
This kinda thing happens to me often
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.