[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.