COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married