Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”