In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
greetings!
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.