My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
And then there were 4
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.