My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
You Might Also Like
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.