toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
You Might Also Like
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.