“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?