If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
mom gave me mine for free
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.