Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”