Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.