At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
oh u like geography? name every lake
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.