The only equipped I am is ill.
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
security at the airport getting more straightforward
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*