I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.