There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no