when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The point of your 20s
why would tinder want me to say this
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
2022 be like
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?