My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming