guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
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Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat