If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Who chose this font
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.