ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
✌️
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
ok this is my dumbest yet
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale