You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
A double negative is a big no-no.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.