ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
and now we wait
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!