My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
nice challenge
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.