Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”