Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”