Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You Might Also Like
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners