Smallpox sounds so adorable
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Today’s Times
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did