Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.