My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
A game married people play.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!