[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning