employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”