[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
me irl