“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
this has to be peak English
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
incredible
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!