“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
how to have fun when you’re poor
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.