ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse