[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.