The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
emergency phone
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.