do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.