The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good