If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.