Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.