Feels like there should be a middle ground
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*frowns in Scottish*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.