[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that