4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee