Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
it must be school picture day
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
what
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*checks Timeline*…
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.