Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
doing some research
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.